Each youth season, I have a parents meeting before the first game. I cover all of the normal introductions, expectations, previous results and my coaching philosophy.
To wrap up the meeting, I always ask the same question, “What are the most important five minutes of any game?” I let parents (mostly dads!) offer up their guesses. Most answers include “End of the first half,” “End of the game,” or halftime.
In my opinion, the most important five minutes are the first five minutes that occur when the player and the parents are alone, most of the time on the ride home. The questions asked, the comments made and the attitude projected can reinforce the comments made by the coach or can totally undermine them. I remind the parents of several things with regard to these five minutes, including:
- If you can’t say something positive, don’t say anything.
- The success of the next practice (and the one after that and then the next game) may very well hinge on the attitude that the player comes away with today and shows up with at the next activity.
- I consider attitude as important as any other aspect when determining playing time and a role on the team. Parents can greatly impact this.
- If they wanted to coach, they should have taken the team!
I would encourage you to not pull any punches during this time. Parents need to understand the tremendous power that they have on the player and the role they can play.
Coaches have a role in how these five minutes play out as well. Think about these four rituals to follow in a post-game situation.
1. As soon as the game is over, handle the situation with class, win or lose. The players learn to handle winning with class and losing with dignity by your example. They learn that the game is not over at the final buzzer but after team duties are concluded.
2. Always get your team together and ask each player to name one positive thing that occurred during that game. This can be an individual action, “Kate hit her first three-pointer” or as a team, “We out rebounded the other team.” Make sure to include the assistant coaches. Coach John Coffee, seven-time AAU national champ and two-time AAU national runner-up handles his immediate post-game in this way, no matter what the outcome. The results are amazing.
3. Always have the final word and always make it positive. This doesn’t mean that if you played poorly, then you act like things are fine. You need to be specific and concise. However, after pointing out obvious things, let the players walk away with a feeling that the next game represents a clean slate; a chance to start again. Another way to view this is that the players (and the parents) know if they won or lost, you need to focus on the bigger picture.
4. Every coach should have a philosophy, have written it down, read it continuously and coach by it. Above all, be consistent! Make sure that you inform parents about those issues you will discuss and those you won’t during your parent meeting. I have no issues with parents who question my coaching decisions. I am approachable after the game and will discuss the tradeoffs that I made for a particular strategic decision.
However, hold this discussion to a strategic one and not a personnel one. I will discuss a player with their parent at the right time, but never relative to another. For instance, I will discuss why “Patrick is not getting more playing time”, but not “Why would you sit Peter down to play Jim?”
Make your expectations known and the role that you expect your parents to play and you may find that you will reduce the number of problems that you have on your teams.
